There’s a video circulating the web of some asian chick at CSU Northridge. For those too lazy to watch the whole video, as I’m sure half of you are, I’ll describe it in vivid detail. It’s finals and she freaks out at people making noise in the library. Vivid enough?
I for one applaud this bitch. People make such annoying noises in the library. Crinkling bags, mouth breathing, pages turning, loud typing. Shit is annoying. So sometimes when you need some quiet, you have to yell at everybody “shut the fuck up!” The louder you get the quieter it will be. That’s just common sense.
Twas the night before Pissmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was banging, not even a mouse
The connies were lain by the chimney without care,
In hopes that the dickless soon would cum there.
The drunkards were nestled all next to the thrones,
While visions of girls’ bums danced in their bones,
Of some hot mama, askin’ for a smack,
Givin’ some strange, until memories fade to black
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I finished myself off, to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, blew my load like a flash,
Then tore open the shutters, to reveal my snatch.
The Moon should reveal the breast of a new-fallen hoe
For she gave a groan of a man deprived of a blow.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature twink, and a massive bear.
With a little old bone, so lively and thick,
I knew in a moment the gays would want that dick,
More rapid than gay eagles like zombies they came,
And they whistled and shouted, and called some friends
“Now Max! now, Steven! Now, Petey and Sven!
On, Will! On, Mark! On, Danthony and other men!
To the top of their porch! To the top of my balls!
Now smash away! Smash away! Smash all the balls!
What I thought would happen with the girls so rye,
When met with an obstacle, they would mount some other guy.
So up to the sorority house-top the corsets they flew,
With their sleigh full of Boys, and soon to be goo.
But then, just as I had lost all hope, I heard on the roof
The prancing and dancing of those aloof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney some dickless came with a bound.
They were dressed all in fur, from head to foot,
And their clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of alcohol hung in their bags,
No one would soon care that they all looked like hags.
Our boners-how they twinkled! Their pimples so cherry!
Butt cheeks like roses, strip poker made all the more merry!
Our mouths puckered to the taste of Smirnoff Ice.
Made the beards on the girls’ chins seem much more nice.
From the side of the table I could see,
one girl had been looking to give me,
A riding and a romping,
Biting and a homping,
She was chubby and plump, a right jolly young las,
And I laughed when I first saw her, in spite of my self.
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
Soon gave me a glance, that said I had something to dread.
She spoke not a word, but went straight to my bed,
Laid out all of the condoms, to help release my lead,
And laying her poncho like dress aside,
She would leave nothing for the imagination to hide.
I sprang to my bed, my friends gave a whistle,
And away she blew like the spout of a whistle.
But I heard her exclaim, ‘ah fuck I’ma puke,’
Let that be the last time I let some hoe, sleep in my nook.
Remember the old Pizza Hut mascot that would say “Pizza Pizza?” That bitch was the shit.
So here’s the story. I was sitting in my PoliSci 101 class, when my dickhead teacher walked in and started complaining about Congress declaring pizza a vegetable because the tomato sauce is from a tomato. When he told me that I was like FUCK YEAH. I eat so much damn pizza, I knew it had to pay off eventually. If only they can declare ramen noodles a fruit then I’ll seriously be set. And then declare soda a vitamin mixed water. Then I’ll live forever.
Dear Bros, dear brahs, dear those that wear bras, and even better, those that don’t,
I’m a new freshman at State, ye ye ye, and I’m studying Political Science because I’m gonna be Prezident some day. If you don’t vote for me you’re gay. It’s about time we got some people who know what their talkin about in Washington. People need to LEARN.
p.s. I fucking love college.